Happy/Unhappy

In the past few days a lot of things happened around my mind. I have become childish and immature. Please don't read this as it might be boring. I am writing to let me speak to myself.

I see this girl called xyz in the flight from amsterdam to hyderabad and I like her at the first sight. I see a spark in her face. This is where I fell in to. I forgot to say that I had recieved her info through the marriage bureau a couple of months back but didn't pay much attention.

After few days in India I go to the marriage bureau along with my dad oh man I didn't want to go there but my dad insisted and I had to. This was another horrible experience. Those guys made me sit in front of the computer and showed me around 500 profiles of girls. I didn't know what to do so browsed through a few and got bored. I couldn't help compare it to a street vendor selling vegetables and me differentiating between the good and the bad ones. I didn't like it. So I didn't select any but I stumbled upon Ms xyz's profile. I told my parents that I had seen her in the flight and I like her. I felt deep in my heart she is my soulmate as I already knew something about her thru orkut. Her friends say that she is braod minded, caring ,intelligent, and cultured. So my parents started the initiation process. I don't know if I want to spend my life with some one whom I don't know anything about.

The guys at the bureau contacted Ms xyz ( I thought they should have contacted her parents instead but...) and gave my dad the phone no to speak to Ms xyz. My dad discussed this with me and said parents should talk first and we later. So I agreed (I still don't have an answer whether I did the right thing). So the bureau guys called up her parents and her parents initially said they want to match the horoscopes and the next time they said they were shopping and they would call later.

back to USA man I was feeling so bad that I missed her( though I still only like her) and these thoughts were lingering in my mind. the thing with me is that if I like anyone I love them unconditionally no matter what. I don't know why I do this but this is me from my childhood. I think I need to change that and not get emotionally attached. So I see her in some other online marriage bureau but still didn't dare to contact her as I was not sure whether xyz's family was interested or not. I could have taken that extra step but these matters are very delicate and sensitive in nature. So I became a devadasu (no drinking though) going through her profile every min in orkut.

Finally I gathered the courage to contact her and went to the online site but I couldn't find her profile. so I checked the orkut profile it says single so I had some hope. Yesterday when I looked again I see it as commited. The moment I see it as commited I had a strange feeling that my heart drifted.

I don't know why I am feeling so bad that I missed her. Dude you didnt meet her nor did you talk to her and you dont even know her. Whats the reason behind all this. I am trying to introspect myself to get a clear and better picture of whats happening behind the scenes. I feel bad that I didn't talk to her when she gave the phone no. Was I broad minded or narrow minded?

So I tell this to my cousin he gave an excellent advise as always "Don't be part of the problem Be part of the solution". What is the solution here. I am thinking what is the solution. I think may be "Everything happens for a reason".I don't know the reason. Whatever may be the reason Life moves on but whenever the thought that she is not mine comes to my mind I feel so bad. I still cant understand what these feelings as I have seen better looking girls than her. Now I am trying to control my mind which I never did. May be the forthcoming days will be better.

I get something good out of all this. I introspected myself and found out that I lack confidence in myself. Now I want to rebuild it. Never in my whole life have I ever thought about myself. Why now? I need to know what I am and what can I do to be better

Should I be happy that I am trying to find out more about myself with this incident or be sad that I lsot her?